Accepting Myself

I realized this morning as I was getting ready for the day that I have spent lots of time in the past few years thinking "when so and so happens I will be happy." "When so and so happens, I will live my life the way I want to."

Do you know what I am talking about? I have heard people say things like, " When the baby is out of diapers, we will go on a nice vacation" or "When the kids are all in school..."

Well, since 2004, I have been saying, "When I lose weight, I will be happy." "When I get back to a size 6 or 8, I will be free to live my life." So what has happened is that I have spent a lot of time planning exercise routines, and planning diets, and joining Weight Watchers, and starting Body for Life and buying workout books and nutrition books, etc. It is exhausting just thinking about it!

People always tell me to enjoy these years when my kids are young because they go by so quickly. When my oldest child was a baby, I remember thinking, "You're kidding. This isn't going by quickly!" But by the time I got to my youngest child, I realized that yes, time is flying by and I am not paying attention because I am too busy planning how I'm going to lose weight. It makes me sad. I spent her whole first year lamenting the fact that hadn't lost all of my pregnancy weight. I really don't remember all the details of her first year, you know the little details that you want to remember. But I remember being depressed and upset about my weight.

What would happen if I just accepted my body for the way I am? Just accepted and actually liked my body the way it is right now? So I may not be a size 6, but what's wrong with being a size 12 or 14? It is hard to shift my way of thinking after years of finding acceptance through my looks. I was "good and accepted" if I was thin, but "bad and an outcast" if I was bigger than I wanted to be.

I don't want to think this way anymore. I don't want to waste another minute of my kids' childhood planning weight loss routines and diets.

I want to wake up each day and be happy. I don't want to wake up and dread getting dressed because I have to put on size 14 clothes.

I want to make healthy choices. Not for the goal of weight loss, but for the goal of good health.

I love to eat, and I want to be able to cook and bake and eat the stuff I have made without feeling burdened by how many points/ fat grams/ calories it has.

I want to relax and live life abundantly. No more obsessing over my body. Self focus is tiring. I am sick of it. I want to focus on someone else for a change.

I want to exercise and enjoy it, instead of worrying about how many calories I am burning or quitting a week into it because I don't see results. I want to measure results by my energy level and overall health, not my clothing size.

So here's my new plan:
Relax.
Buy some clothes that are cute and actually fit me.
Get my hair cut and highlighted.
Pray that God will change the way I think.
Smile.